Ok ladies, this is for you. Some of you just don’t know what it’s like to be a man, or know what a man wants. Now, while I admit we’re not as mysterious as women, there’s still some things you need to know. Your man may just be too scared to tell you, so F&J is gonna do it for them. Yep that’s us, standing up for men’s rights everywhere. wOOt.
1. If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
* Unless the answer is yes.
* In which case, can he videotape it?
3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
4. Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.
7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
10. Don’t hog the covers. Really.
11. If he has to sit through “Legends of the Fall”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.
12. “Fine.” is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
14. If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.
15. Of course he wants another beer.
16. The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.
17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr….
18. He does not want to be just friends.
19. Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
20. He was not looking at that other girl.
* Well, okay… maybe a little.
* Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy…
21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
22. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?
28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
30. He heard you the first time. Honest.
31. You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.
32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.
34. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that…
37. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: “You know, why don’t we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?”
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